


Stress Relief

by Suzelle



Category: Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bruce is a giant troll, Gen, Hulkeye - Freeform, M/M, POV: Bruce Banner, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 10:17:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suzelle/pseuds/Suzelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Director Fury, I won’t be attending the debriefing this afternoon.”</p><p>Fury raises one eyebrow. “Why not?”</p><p>“I’ll be having sex instead.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stress Relief

**Author's Note:**

> This is shamelessly taken from [this text post on Tumblr](http://pnlx.tumblr.com/post/37626595709/bruce-i-wont-be-attending-the-debriefing-this), which was just begging to have a fic written around it. And you know, I'm not even sorry. 
> 
> Only half of this was ever beta'd (with thanks to [salvage](http://archiveofourown.org/users/salvage)!), so please forgive any remaining mistakes.

Bruce tries to behave himself, those first few months with SHIELD. He still can’t trust them, not yet, but they’ve made it possible for him to live openly in the States for the first time in years, and he’s grateful for that. Still, Bruce has indulged so few pleasures in the last decade or so, and it’s been a long time, a fucking long time since he’s trusted himself enough to do this with anyone. So when the time finally comes, he has few qualms about calling up Fury to take the day.  
  
“Director Fury, I won’t be attending the debriefing this afternoon.”  
  
Fury raises one eyebrow. “Why not?”  
  
“I’ll be having sex instead.”  
  
Fury gives him an incredulous look, Bruce makes a note that there’s more than one way to unnerve the director of SHIELD.  
  
“Doctor Banner…”  
  
“Stress relief,” Bruce says, deadpan, “I’m sure you understand.”  
  
He can almost hear the unspoken " _damn_ " cross Fury’s mind.  
  
“Fine,” he snaps, “Go. But it better be some motherfucking _fantastic_ sex.”  
  
***  
As it turns out, Norse gods don’t really understand the concept of “stress.”  
  
“I do not understand,” Thor says, “What is this emotion you speak of? Why does it interfere with you attending our councils?”  
  
Bruce tries to explain.  
  
“It’s like…when you’ve got a lot of things on your mind, and they cause you a lot of worry,” he says, “It makes you more on edge, more vulnerable to being angry or upset. And with me, that’s not really a good thing.”  
  
Thor still looks confused.  
  
“You never get worried?” Bruce asks, “With all the stuff going on in your head, that never happens to you?”  
  
“Well, no,” Thor says, “Worries are nothing a good sparring match won’t fix.”  
  
“So, look at it this way,” Bruce says, “When I spar with you, it sort of…adds to the stress. Given the form I take when I do it. So I have to find other ways to get rid of the worry.”  
  
“And lovemaking accomplishes this same purpose?”  
  
“Well, think about it,” Bruce says, “it’s usually a good time, so it helps you to feel better, the physical exertion’s about the same, depending on who you’re with…”  
  
“Bruce…” Steve looks like he can’t decide if he’s amused or horrified by the conversation taking place.  
  
“What?” Thor says to Steve, “The man talks sense. If it helps him to alleviate this stress, there should be more sex for the good Doctor!”  
  
Bruce raises his coffee mug. “I’ll drink to that, Thor.”  
  
Thor leaves to find Jane Foster soon after, and Steve turns back to Bruce.  
  
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Steve says, “but you don’t really seem like the kind of guy who’d be stressed out by what we’ve been dealing with the past few months.”  
  
“Well, no,” Bruce acknowledges, “but SHIELD doesn’t know that.”  
  
Steve shakes his head, but he laughs a little as he does.  
  
“We’ve got another meeting with Fury tomorrow,” he says, “Should I tell him you’re out for the count again?”  
  
Bruce smiles. Steve’s a good guy.    
  
***  
  
“Dr. Banner!” he hears Natasha’s voice from across the hallway, stops and turns. “Fury wanted me to inform you that you’ve been excused from all debriefings until further notice.”  
  
“Well, that’s a pleasant surprise,” he says, “did he happen to say why?”  
  
“I believe the official statement in the file reads: ‘until such time as Dr. Banner feels he has been adequately relieved of all unnecessary stress.’”  
  
“Really?” Natasha gives him a long, leveling look, and Bruce has to fight to keep a straight face. Natasha’s smart, she’s probably figured out by now that Bruce takes a lot of pleasure out of messing with SHIELD. And after their first meeting, he imagines she’s far more attuned to when he’s being serious and when he’s having them on.  
  
“Is there anything else SHIELD can do to make your environment less stress-free?” she asks, her voice dry, “Free yoga lessons? A dating service? Though it seems like you’re doing pretty well in that category…”  
  
Bruce gives Natasha the same half-guilty smile he seems to always be giving her.  
  
“Thanks, but I think I’ll be good with this,” he says, “Tell Fury I appreciate it?”  
  
“You got it, Doc,” she says, and Bruce swears there’s a hint of amusement in her eyes.  
  
***  
  
“You’re an asshole, did you know that?” Tony says, “You had me for awhile there, thinking you could be my moral compass or some shit, but really you’re just a giant asshole.”  
  
Bruce grins. And Steve wonders how the two of them get along so well.  
  
“So, who is it?” Tony asks.  
  
“Beg pardon?” Bruce doesn’t look up from his laptop.  
  
“Come on,” Tony says, “You convinced Fury to give you a hall pass so that you can _go get laid_. You’re living my dream, the least you can do is tell me who it’s with.”  
  
“I don’t kiss and tell, Tony,” Bruce chuckles, “Besides, you think about it hard enough I’m sure you’ll be able to narrow it down.”  
  
“Seriously, Bruce, you’re killin’ me here,” Tony says, “Is it Hill? Lewis? That strapping young man who won’t stop playing Galaga on the Helicarrier?”  
  
Bruce keeps typing away at his equations, pretending not to hear. Tony finally throws a bag of dried blueberries at him in exasperation and walks out of the lab.  
  
“Like I said. Giant asshole.”  
  
***  
  
“They seriously haven’t figured it out yet?” Clint rolls over in the bed to face Bruce. “Not even Iron ‘I’m-A-Goddamn-Genius’ Man?”  
  
“You know, Tony can be remarkably clueless about things sometimes,” Bruce says, “and I don’t think Steve and Thor are that curious. But I bet your SHIELD buddies are starting to suspect. I mean, neither of us are ever at the briefings, it can’t be to hard to put two and two together…”  
  
“‘Tasha knows,” Clint says, “But I’m guessing Fury hasn’t figured it out yet. I got an unofficial hall pass on debriefings years ago— Coulson managed to convince him that I’d be even more useless in the room than out of it.”  
  
“Why doesn’t that surprise me,” Bruce grins. There’s a lot he loves about Clint, but his ability to bend the rules and get away with it every damn time has always been a trait he’s particularly admired. He’d like to think it counts as a good influence.  
  
“So,” Clint turns to him, suddenly businesslike. “Doc. Had enough? Do you feel as though we’ve created a suitably stress-free environment for you?”  
  
“I don’t know, Agent Barton,” Bruce replies, a slow smile spreading across his face. “I’m feeling pretty relaxed right now. But hey, better to be safe than sorry.”


End file.
